Things that are pressing on me at the moment:

1: Relationship with Miranda
2: studying Phase 12 (islam, judaism, christianity)
3: Find a JOB (need money, BAD)
4: Kun Tao training and disciplines
5: College this coming Fall

Those are not in any particular order, but they are pretty much arranged from most on my mind to last.

Ive begun to go back to Kun Tao. Its the only worthwhile form of martial Arts (or spiritual training, mental training, etc) there is. Dizzy seems a bit concerned about where it may lead, but i assure him things will be fine.

Ive begun praying at standard intervals. No set time, but once at an early time in the morning, again after a mid day meal (or just mid day) , again when the sunsets, and again when i lay to sleep.

Im somewhat in a quandary about how to actually run a relationship now :( Ive been in the same kind of relationship as far as i can recall, and this one I am currently in, is just so different and foreign to me, i dont really understand what to do half the time..

Oh, crackers. I need crackers, dont let me forget...

So anyway... yeah, not much to talk about right now. Hoping i can find another job other than UGO here soon... but whatever...

Trice
Tension
convention
the walls that they mention

confused
and contused
judged by my selection

the heart
is start
but will I be a Martyr

I love
and shove
all those on the Charter

So I wait
and I bait
within my own mind, Irate

So broken
outspoken
searching, or is it too late

The one
undone
perhaps I have found

My Love
in awe of
All thats abound

So these walls
let them fall
let her in

Rememberance
These things I say, the purpose behind them,
Is full on knowing the feelings inside me
And though the will is there to condemn
The love washes over all that I see

But to propose something else
perhaps just for a moment
is to override my self
And the life that Ive spent

to trust is another sort of beast all together
and i gather myself, for a tsunami again
like the time, with the news, you knew we'd be forever
these notion, i guess, i just have to abstain

so whether your true, or just in a game
and though however I feel
please dont tell me that you arent the same
the person I met, with all that appeal

And just throwing that out there
you apparently havent had
what im willing to give, to share
and all of that's sad

because you are deserving
from all that Ive seen, and heard
of things far greater than I, or that "thing"
all of this, my dear, i can reassure

But just for a minute
close your eyes
Just fill you heart with it
and disperse all the lies

For if you love me
and I love you
all the things you see
are all ours, to be true

So take my hand tonight
and let nothing else matter
just know that all is right
and let whatever happen, occur

So when I see you once more
have all that ring in your ears
let your heart and mine soar
through all of the tears...

Something I Hate
You think your so smart
dont you
You havent a clue
I Confuse
Nothing I say
will convince you
Something I hate..something i hate

When I call you
and no answer
when I pray
nothing
Just a silence
eminating
something I hate..something i hate

So why, do you
or me, or they
even try to do
what I say
theres nothing new
yet unfamiliar
is all of this
something i hate..something i hate

Why all this writing
should I be sleeping
the Voice in my bed
so unwelcoming
Wish she was here
to hold me
something i hate..something i hate

Are you there god
i have a problem
what to do
...what to do...
That look she gets, so warming
and when its gone..
something i hate..something i hate

What does that mean
"I love you"
thrown so much
likea brick
what does it mean to say
I love you
I love you
I love you....

Tenderness
The Storm Is awake (awake)
Your breath that I take ( i take)
The sickness that I make (i make)
Just Give it up
(just give it up)

You think I predict, what lies you commit, some innocence
(so in a sense)
Never thought the day, when I could say to me
(May she be broken)
Better off
(youre better off)

The Watcher, she knows.

Oh what I want to know
(you know nothing)
Is Who the Hell are you.


here to confuse? To choose? All this bodily function you amuse?

(thats right)
So I am awake.. NOW WHAT!?
NOW WHAT?!

Sin City
walking the Line
who's line am I walking?
Nothing but time to gone without it

Why do i thrive, why do breathe?
living this way, with such an unease..

My battle is done, but the war just begun..
many fights, just ahead, perhaps Im outdone..
by the terrible, unrelenting thing I call God
I told you i couldnt get this far.



Just torture me, release your anger at me
but never leave me (oh please never leave me)

Id rather be ridculed, minisculed, a part of you
nothing but the best is all i can do
for you

My Crimes
Compulsive Lieing
My Fear of dieing
Masturbation
subligation
Putting up a front
Being such a cunt
Worrying
hurrying
Seeing things
Hearing things
Lack of care
too much to share
my greed
My seed
Mocking Him
retaliating against them
unspoken words
Broken chords..

My Crimes are endless.... My sins, are plentiful. Just Like Yours.


So before you judge, or have your grudge, remember what I say..
"All We Do, Means Nothing More Than What It Means To Do It..."

That What The Voice Says, That What I say.


So What Are Your Crimes?

Fight the ______ Fight
You want me to give, All the attention I give?
open lives, and lies, just keep sinking in.




will I go on,
well now Its on.





Break the barrier, and shake the foundation
PETA, the government, all under sedation
Will we fight
Oh yeah, we'll fight

Does God listen, does he cry, reply, sigh, or die
thats a No (good buddy)

When i say "I love", who really says that
too much, not enough, just filler?
Who are you to ask?

I dont even know you, The chosen few
I choose, to follow who?
NO one

So fight on, damn idiot...
fight on...

Nothing More
Something in my past, behind me
so i dont wish to be trusting
I want to linger, so much longer
and in my chains I bear to harm thee..

I wish i could have taken it back
all the things i said i done
all those thoughts, so bleak, so empty
Mother wont my sins be judged?

Lover can i hold you slightly
here the beating in your chest
and when i kiss you dont belive me
What my mind wants my hands to see..

And if we ever get so far
and jointed like a flying dove
all those things our parents told us
they were wrong, or so much right...

Single couples, in the ocean
feasting on the krill and shrimp
wafting over waves so endless
my god how I envy them

Tether me close, and dont let go
only Time can cut the rope
nothing i want is ever really
something that can be taken back..

You want this
I want that too
nothing more
If there ever was
(theres nothing more) To Say...

All I want, is you.

All I truly want is you
Overcome all that they say,
overcome all that my mind plays
Just see you one more time..

If this were to last, where shall it take us
we might just drift out to sea
and with the other single couples
feasting on God's majesty...

Track 39: So Drop!

Im just going to say it.
I want to be a Muslim.

WHAT?!!!?!?!?! You want to what? WHY?!!

Because it makes sense.

But..But, no it doesnt! Prayer five times a day. No relationships with girls before Marriage, what the hell are you thinking?

Im not really thinking, Its been a feeling ive had sense Indiana.

What do you mean?? Islam isnt the right way, its just as lost as all of them!!

Perhaps, but right now, it has what im craving.

Just think about this for a moment, think of what might happen if you become a Muslim, then choose not to be!

I live in America, they cant legally kill me, so why should i worry?

What about, all their strange rules and stuff?!

I like them..

What about Jesus?

The reason I abandoned the Jewish thing, is because i thought Jesus had a huge part in something, but i dont believe he is the Son of God... In a literal sence anyways.

But, BUT... The Qur'an says its ok to kill people!!

So does the Bible..

Why are you doing this?

Why are you arguing with me?

Because i dont want you to make another mistake..

Life is made from Mistakes, and if this is one, its a big brick to add to the structure that is my life..
~~~~~~

No, I am not converting to Islam. I might... I might die tomorrow, i might be a father within a year, who knows! Im just saying, what i want you to know...

I hate wanting to conform to a certain set belief system, because who Am i to say that any of them are right?

How do Christians know they are right? Or Jews, or Muslims? Do they Pray, is it logistical, or are they all just blind?

Perhaps ones beliefs need to evolve, perhaps "belief" is not something to be set into stone...Or into writing at all.

Right now, I am putting a hold on this whole Jew thing. I agree with almost everything Judaism teaches.. But i can say the same about almost any "religion".
I want to think that Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism... Some sort of standard set of faith is true. But there are contradictions within them all. And although there are "explanations" to all these contradictions, who's to say that just because the are contradictions, means that they arent true?

Truth, my friends, is what I am getting at. What is the Truth?

I dont know, and i dont think its mankind's right to know.

We are lab mice, all given a chance to find the cheese. We dont know HOW to get to the cheese, or how we got there if we ever do get to the cheese. As Rats, all we know is that we want the cheese, its somewhere in the box because we smell it, and that we will do what we can to get it.

But the thing is, we are blind rats. We dont know when we are near the cheese, we smell it, it could be in the box, it might not be in the box at all, but just an oder. Perhaps GATNE just took the cheese out long ago, to confuse us..

Who knows, who's to say?

I want a set base of beliefs. I need discipline and a strict way of Faith. Judaism is strict, but I know in my heart now that its not the whole story.

And The Trinity doesnt make any since at all to me. Seems like a bunch of mystical garbage that came into effect later to explain people's notions of how Jesus was God incarnate..

Islam is pretty close I think, but things with it I whole heartedly disagree with..

...but there we go again, Who am I to say what GATNE says is right for us? Its fear of what GATNE can do to me... thats what keeps me searching for the Truth... That everprevalent fear....

I'm sleepy, and My sunshine hasnt called me back... :(

Why can I not take things at a normal pace? Whats so God awfully wrong about me that i cant seem to get it right.

Ok, let me back up. Whats my problem? ok here it goes..(names altered)

Ever since the 7th grade, Ive always been someone who didnt just want to "date" someone. Case in point, take Black Rose. I believed at the time, that I loved her (of course i dont know now if i truly did or not) but being so young at the time, i didnt know. She was the first girl i really ever liked, and she even liked me, somewhat, back. I chased after Black Rose for 4 years, yeah, tell me about it. I wasnt a stalker, i didnt follow her around, or call her all the time, or kept tabs on her, i just waited...and waited. I saw her go through so many terrible guys it was infuriating.

Where am I going with this? ok..
My point is, is that even at the stupid, tender age of 12, i wanted my life already said and done. I wanted a girl that was going to be with me forever. I simply did not, and could not understand the dating game back then, nor do i truly get it now. Back then, it made me so $*%&!(# mad that guys and girls only dated a few weeks, or even a few DAYS! What the hell was wrong with them? I still have this mindset...

So whats the problem? Youre not really explaining yourself.
Hold on, Im getting to it.

So since then, sadly, i have seemed to want to rush every relationship Ive been in, and for alot of the cases, this is why the relationships ended. Sasha, The Basketball Chic, Blondie, all of them and so many more..

All I really want, in this life, is to have a girl, who wants to be with me, as much as I want to be with them.

I thought i found this person when i fell in love with Zerstorer. And even as wonderful that whole escapade was, it still didnt last, and my dreams were shattered. I was even ready to propose somwhat, within the next year atleast. But of course, we had about 2 years of a great friendship under our belts, to go along with the time that we dated. But yet, i still wanted to rush it, I still wanted things to be all said and done so i wouldnt have to worry, so "I" wouldnt have to worry.

See that I put quotation marks on the I? Thats to signify that Im such a selfish bastard.

I realized last night that, alot of the time, my mind doesnt even think of what the other person wants.. Its what I want.

And I HATE that...

And its especially hard to distinguish when what I want is what THEY want (ie being happy)

I rush too fast, i want my life over already, and i dont mean i want to die.
And now, being with, who could possibly be "the one", what Am I to do. She gets angry that Im rushing things so quickly, and she is moving within a year!

what am I to do? I dont want her to leave, thats my selfishness talking, but what if she DOES want to leave. Am I to go with her, am I to just forget her? What to do...

I love her, yeah, i know, Im a one note guy, and yeah, i may say that alot... but over all the people ive dated, or WANTED to date, the few that i can say i truly loved are far and few between...

I just want her to know, that Im always going to be here, and Im sorry that Im so serious all the damn time... I want this to last....

Ive been ready for a life long commitment since the day I started liking the opposite sex, thats the bases of what Im getting across. Everything else, is just filler.

I just hope i dont turn you away... And I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy..

Faith (like hoper) comes free, easy, and in numerous forms.

I have faith... But in what?
Ok, so lets say that I have faith in a God. Say, the God Yahweh, or the Christian LORD as you Bible thumpers like to put it. What does that mean? Am I a servant to this Being? Well, if I am a creation of said being, and my sole purpose as I know it is to submit to said being, then of course I am a Servant.

But what does a Servant of Faith do?

He unwieldingly goes with God's plan, his goal for the individual and for the multitudes.
So how do we know what the plan is?

We as a people of Faith have many "texts" to ascertain this problem. We have the "Holy Bible", the "Quran", numerous Hindu and Buddhists texts, and everything in between.

Know, let me ask you, the reader, a question. Whatever your belief is, why do you believe in it?
out of fear? out of Love? out of ignorance? out of intelligence? out of just sheer blind faith?

all of these are plausable answers, and i will bet anyone that they would get similar answers if they asked random people that question.

Ok, since I am no expert on Eastern Religions (Taoism, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc) I will stick with the 3 primary montheistic religions of today.
Judaism
Christianity
Islam

All these "religions" find root in a single man; Abraham. Called by most theologions the first monotheist.

So what does that mean? that these 3 religions are the same? No
Judaism as we know today, is vastly different from what Judaism was 3000 years ago, and Christianity hasnt stayed unerroded either. Islam, though newer than the other religions, has been very unchanging within its stay as a religious force her on earth.

So none of these religions are standing up to the ravages of time? NO
So what Am I to do, a Person of Faith, if my faith is ever changing?

Well, ones faith does not have to change based on the alterations of ones "religion". In fact, Ive come to loathe the term "religion", almost as much as the term "God".

The word religion is derived from Latin "religio" (what attaches or retains, moral bond, anxiety of self-consciousness, scruple) used by the Romans, before Jesus Christ, to indicate the worship of the demons.
The origin of "religio" is debated since antiquity. Cicero said it comes from "relegere" (to read again, to re-examine carefully, to gather) in the meaning "to carefully consider the things related to the worship of gods".

So lets do without Both words for the rest of this message. "religion" will be called Phase 12, and God shall be ..GATNE

Ok, so back to the question: What does a Person of Faith do in a everchanging cloud of Phase 12?

What does a rock do in a river? The river is ever changing, ever flowing, but the Rock stays strong, yet still within the river. Sure, after a long period of time, the rock may erode just a little, but it still stands, nearly unchanged.

And this is how you should be, a rock in a river.

Ok, so now you know how to stand up in an ever changing world of Phase 12, how so you worship GATNE is such away as to not get unheaved and thrown down stream?

Research, Prayer, Congregate, talk to people within your own Phase 12 and others.

You have so much to learn, Just look around you, where you sit, reading this. What can you learn just by looking at the mundane things you see every day? Millions of particles of info...

Now, open a book, any book, preferably one that makes you think on a human level (im tired of dealing with primates)

what can you learn from this book? So much more than you probably think. Perhaps by reading this book, you will add a handful of words to your everyday vocabulary, or you may learn about peoples of other cultures or race, or maybe about the inner workings of the mind or body.

Now that i have you thinking like this, open a Bible...

..go on, it wont bite..

Now tell me, what is there to learn from this, particular book?
Its a book (whether of divine origin, or of mans quest to tough the divine) that for BILLIONS, helps man get closer to GATNE. Why is that? Its just a book...

Perhaps if you own a Qur'an, you would open it, and find the same thing, or a Tanach, or any writing pertaining to Phase 12.

Why are these books so enthralling? So educative, so important to Billions of people?

Because we are servant of GATNE, and through Phase 12, we can try and begin to understand our existance as servants.

Judaism, Christianity, Islam. They are not the same, but they are not different.

I hate it...

I hate what its done to me... I hate that it exists... I hate having had it and I hate wanting it..

its a terrible thing.... But GOD do i love it so..

I cant contain myself sometimes, and Ive come to hate myself tonight...because i realized Im just as selfish as all the men I mock on a daily bases...

...What a cruel euphoric disease sex is...
I want to forget about it, i want to never have it.. (oh but do i want it so...)

Im sorry Sunshine, I truly am... And if i thought i could, and that you would agree, i would pronouce celibacy... But i dont think i have that much of a will

Sure, when i had my V card, i could have a relationship without the thought of sex ever pop into my mind...

But now, its so hard....
so very hard... I cant take it sometimes... its a terrible thing...

I hate it... I want it to go away...

I love it, and i dont want to live without it.. see the problem?

Its nothing but a nuisence, a disease....

But god...is it good..

Im done, ok.

I love you, and I thank you for everything you have ever done, or will ever do for me, but i need to be ME, i need to think for myself, and not look up to you as some sort of revelatory Prophet sent from above to guide me, because you too need guidance (and God knows Im not the one to give it.)

I have been a Pagan, and Christian, lives like a Jew, and Lived like nothing for so long, under your advisment, that I dont know anything anymore. I thank you for telling me to go North, and not South, and all the knowledge i hold in my fleshy brain given from you to me.

But im not going to do it anymore. You are my best friend, and i respect you, i love you as such, and i understand everything you have done, you do to help, i know this. But right now, i dont want that help. I feel like Im being babied and led on "your" path. I need to go on "my" path. No matter where that leads me. You don't know the True path, and neither do I. And Yes, perhaps you are closer to it than I am, but who knows? No one does.

I want you to just be my friend, on this plane of existance, and let me worry about my soul. For the last two years (or close to it) I have been following what you have led me, even though it may not seem that way. Yeah, ive pissed you off with the Jew thing, and so many other things, but I would have never ventured into those realms had it not been because of you. I am a Monotheist because of you, thank Yahweh, Allah, El Shaddai, God, whatever...

You have done so much for me, but you dont need to keep going. Like a kid on a Bike, you dont have to be right there holding the bike as the boy peddles. Let me go man, seriously

let me make my own mistakes, let me chart my own path. Let me hurt myself, and save myself, without regard.

And dont get pissed off or upset that about what I do either.

Let me be my own spiritual vessel....

So, yeah. Life is at a barrier in my life. Its at a threshold and I dont know if I can hold it back much longer. My Life...Is truly beginning.. And I am scared..

scared that i will fuck it all up, that i will make all whom love me, ashamed of my existance.

My Faith is a whole 'nother thing entirely. During my daily prayers, I ask for a single sign, a nudge.

I put three things in front of me during this. 1) a Bible (my grandmothers to be exact) 2)a Quran my Uncle gave me, 3) a yarmulke Loren Safdie gave me

these three things represent not only the only three faiths that i have come to find as anywhere right, the items themselves have a tie to me, so they arent just "things".

So far.. A butterfly has landed on the Quran, ants seemed to consume the bible (but nothing else), The Quran blew open to Surah 1 (chapter one) and the Yarmulke blew away in the wind..

I dont know what those things mean, if anything...

Then My love life.

I miss ..Eh..HER.... I hate that I miss her. I dont WANT to miss her. I want to HATE her... but i cant, nor do i think its appropriate to feel that way..

and I can barely trust the girl whom Im with currently. She is amazing, and she really seems to want to make this work... but I dont know

and The Voice is getting worse....

Perhaps there really is Evil on South Main Street...

Ok, im typing this here so that hardly anyone shall read it: The names of people have been changed to meanings that only few understand.

I will never find another one like Zerstörer. That clinginess, the touch, the dominence... nothing will ever come close, and i knew that after it was all said and done. But now... It really hits me how needy i truly am. How much i am untrusting of Sunshine, because I am used to seeing my love everyday. We did everything together, i knew exactly where she was... But with Sunshine, i dont have a clue whats going on. I feel so much for her, perhaps love her... All I know is that i dont trust her... and I want to SOOOO bad, it hurts me (literally hurts me). I cant see her, Im ignored for the better portion of the day, and before i go to sleep, i feel like a part of me has died somewhat.

I never felt any of this with Zerstörer. I loved her, of course i loved her. And she was always there for me, always able to spend her time, with me. That doesnt mean she loved me, it only means that she was just as needy as I was. We couldnt stand to be apart from each other at times, and sometimes, I seemed to be the one that wasnt needy at all.

I miss it..

But thats all over, and I have to move on, but what am I to do when I cant trust any of them. How can i trust someone half an hour's drive away from me, WHO HAS ALREADY #*^%#* CHEATED.... Sorry... that really gets me... But if it wasnt for fear, none of that would have happened...right?
right?

perhaps..I dont know anymore. I just want to not be alone...I NEED someone.

What does that mean, to NEED someone?

It means that its unhealthy to NOT have someone. It means that times get so unbearable that without that special someone, you KNOW you wont wake up..

..you WONT wake up..

Im surprised I wake up some mornings..

.....I miss my sunshine :(

Friday 06::08

I returned from my stay in Indiana, and by the time I reached Jamestown, I feel the festering, and I dreaded my arrival. In Indiana, things were so much cleaner, in a spiritual sense. But now as i drove into town, and finally into my driveway... that seemed like a fleeting memory.

I went home, to unpack, and check my messages and such, and played with my dogs fro awhile. Then Mom and I left to go to town about a job interview at The Skating Rink for a DJ ( i would have drove myself, but my car was in the shop). I talked to the manager, and he said he might call (still no call). So I left there, and walked to the Book Cellar, where I hoped to see Sugar Cookie, but she was nowhere to be found. I did find a pocket sized Qu'ran though, and its type was very small.

I left that place and Dizzy called, and I wanted to go to the Shakedown to buy a hat (twas calling me it was). We drove down Main Street, where we picked Dizzy up at the Mural, and proceeded to go towards South Main Street, where the Shakedown is. We went inside, I bought Gashinki (or perhaps He was calling me o.o). We went to Food City for groceries, then went to my house.

From there, the Gashinki Saga sprang forth from out brains, and grew. We also danced with Rusted Root as they played " Send Me on My Way". We began to walk North West from there, and we danced for the NightSun, which angered the Hell Hounds, so we escaped into a Portal of sorts. We walked a little ways farther, then I decided we were to turn back.

At the house, not much happened, watched TV, watched hilarious predicted playing cards, and i read from the "Koran Interpreted", ...Muslims.. lol

Saturday 07::08

I awoke many hourse before Dizzy, and cleaned up around the house a bit, and eventually woke Dizzy up. We watched hilarious videos some more, and then mom came home. We left and went to pick up my car (which still needs a headlight >.<). Dizzy and I went to walmart, and got the oil changed, but it began to rain so hard, that It rained upwards , and lightning struck the building. I hate a quarter pounder with cheese, and watched a poodle being shaved.

We left WalMart in a drenched rage, and i took Dizzy home. It had rained so bad, Main Street was blocked, and the entire 4-way intersection in front of the post office was flooded with cops guarding so no one could enter.

I went home, and something amazing happened! My Sunshine was able to come to Crossville for a few hours to visit. I had not been able to hang out with her until then, because fate seemed to screw our plans up everytime. She came to Crossville and I met her at walmart. I had no head light, so we drove in her car. We went to the Rec park and walked and talked, and really got close. It was fun. Then we couldnt find anything to do so we went back to my house. Sunshine loves my cat ^_^. Skip about an hour, and we left to go back to my car, and for her to come home. We made plans to hang out the next day.... but no. I went back home and slept.

Sunday 08::08

I had to do alot of chores , and it sucked really bad. I didnt get to hang out with My Sunshine at all, and that upsetted me alot. I talked with Dizzy for awhile, and watched Fuse most of the day. While it was sunny, I laid out next to the pool and tanned for about 2 hours. Good thing I don't get sunburnt, lol. The pool was warm. That night I talked to Miranda and watched alot of stupid TV, then went to bed.

The Voice preceded to keep me awake last night, making me envision all sorts of things. The Watcher was there, in spirit I suppose. It seems she is unaware that she is just as prohpetic, if not more so, than I. She seems to hear The Voice also. The heat of the room was exhausting and i had to strip to escape it, though The Voice seems to be the reason why it was so hot. The Watcher gave me a vision too... but I forget.

There is Evil on South Main Street.

Gashinki approves!

Why hello. To my left is a dog. To my Right, is a Prophetic Starbeast of Sorts. My name, as it shall be known within these writings, is Drippy Hindsight, Messenger of Gashinki, Praise be upon He, who sits on my head. This shall be a day to day blog of daily day-ing of Drippy and Gashinki, Praise be upon He, who sits on my head. You don't like it, get out! So saith the Spider.



Now, if you are reading this, you may wish to follow in Drippy Hindsight's wisdom and teachings...so read on.
Also, may it be advised to listen to the Messenger of Ryan, Dizzy Dramamine, of the Pancreatic Nebula Association... Georgia.

For any and all queries, contact the Pineal Gland.